In the Memory of Kaworu
by Shamera
Summary: With so many Asuka/Shinji romances out there.... *shakes head* Well, Kaworu's my favorite character. Spoiler for ep. 24


If you do not encourage human/Angel relationships, or think that Shinji is destinied with Rei or Asuka, you don't have to read this. There's spoilers here to Episode 23 or the 0:12 tape.   
  
In the Memory of Kaworu  
by: Shamera   
  
  
The lake. The very same one that Shinji had been at when he had met Kaworu.... the last Angel. Also, the only being in existance who loved Shinji, not for his talents as an Evangelion pilot, but for him. For his very being and everything that he had gone through. For his soul and emotions.   
*I love you too, my friend. *  
A cool breeze blowing over the icy waters made a shiver run down Shinji's back as he tried to just curl up and disappear. His forehead pressed painfully against his knees, he couldn't help but wonder about all the other Angels he had killed, thinking only of the better for mankind. Or, for his own selfish reasons to make someone actually like him. He had thought the Angels to be nothing but avengers from God, with no other purpose but to kill.   
He was so wrong... they had a heart, a mind, wisdom, and everything that mankind didn't have. Man were fallen Angels, but the ones he had killed had been the real Angels, with everything that mankind lacked to be perfect.   
Kaworu was the one that deserved to live, not him. It wasn't as if the world would suddenly be happier once all seventeen Angels had been killed. In fact, everyone still lived in misery. Shinji himself was a living example.   
**"...Your heart... it is fragile, like glass."   
"It is?"   
"Yes. That has deseved my empathy."   
"Empathy?"   
"I mean, I love you." **  
Maybe... someday, they would be together again. Kaworu was the only one who listened.... only one who made Shinji open up and love life, even for a small amount of time. Kaworu was supposed to be the Fifth Child! He was supposed to live out his life and fight the Angels alongside all the other Children. He was supposed to... live.   
Shinji tried to wrap his arms around his head and legs, tried to banish the memories that inevidably came up. Kaworu had shown him there was so much beauty in the world worth living for. To look into the past or the future if the present got too stressed.   
So much beauty.... enough that Kaworu would die before submitting to Adam. Shinji remembered the tears in Kaworu's eyes before he died. He remembered how Kaworu had requested for Shinji to kill him before the calling of Adam overtook his Angel side.   
*There's nothing here left for me,* Shinji thought bitterly. *Kaworu was the only one that treated me like a person. Father only needs my abilities as an Eva pilot, Misato... she cares, but she doesn't understand. Toji hates me now for the battle with the Thirteenth Angel... As...Asuka's still in a coma, and Rei...* Shinji clentched his fists. *She's nothing but a doll! A clone who works for NERV mindlessly! *  
Yet.... there were still times when they had all surprised him. The battle with the Fifth Angel when Rei had nearly died to protect him, even if it had been an order given to her. How she smiled at him afterwards didn't look like it could be duplicated or cloned.   
Asuka might be stuck-up and self-centered, but she was a loyal friend. Although nothing good could really be said about her, just knowing her made Shinji happy. She was one who brought the fire and compitition to the cold NERV facility. Shinji knew that she cared, even if she didn't express it.... at all.   
Then there was Toji. The school buddy who had beaten him up at the first chance, just for being a newcomer and an Eva pilot. Of course, as all students and bad start-offs did, they had gotten to be really good friends. It was always him,Toji, and Kensuke in the school. The Three Stooges, as Asuka had called them before. The rarely ever disagreed with anything. But Toji had been picked as the Fourth Child, and was crippled in his first battle.   
Which led up to him being replaced by Kaworu, the Fifth Child.   
The later events were bittersweet.   
"Hey."   
A voice. Kaworu's voice? No, he was dead. Killed by Shinji. Mustn't look up, mustn't look up. It's nothing but a trick and once Shinji looks up, no one would be there and he would be all alone again. Mustn't look up.   
A hand was placed gently on his shoulder. "You know, I only have a bit of time. I'm supposed to say my goodbye."   
Nothing but a trick, mustn't look up. People only got hurt when they were with Shinji, no one had ever benefitted from his presense. Everyone just ignored him now, and hoped that he would go away. Everyone he came in contact with... they all had horrible fates.   
"Shinji, come on, stop being stubborn." A sigh. "Well, I guess this would have to do as my goodbye." The hand on his shoulder was removed, only to be followed by arms wrapping around Shinji in a protective hug.   
He stiffened, hoping that whoever it was would go away, that they would leave him alone so they wouldn't get hurt. But... what if it was Kaworu? He was an Angel afterall, even if he had been killed by Shinji. What if he left? They he won't be able to say what he hadn't been able to say before....   
He stole a peek at the stranger through the tight embrace. Pale, pale skin greeted his eyes. The next familiar greeting was the snow-white hair, falling in wild bunches around the young boy's face. The thin complextion, and the loose school uniform would be made out. Last but not least, were the eyes. Eyes exactly the same as Rei's eyes, a deep and startling crimson that spoke volumes while their facial expressions did not. "K...Kaworu?"   
Although Shinji's voice was deep and hoarse with tears, Kaworu brightened to it like it was the most wonderful music. "I thought you would never look up." He moved in his uncomfortable position and unlatched the hug to only an arm slung around the shoulders. "I'm here to say how sorry I am that I had lied to you... And how I hope you'll be able to forgive me."   
Shinji's eyes, which were already wide with the thought that Kaworu was actually there with him, grew even wider if possible. "Of... Of course I forgive you! How could I not?" His eyes moistened. "I can only hope you can forgive me for killing you."   
The arm around his shoulders tightened, then relaxed. "I can never hate you, Shinji, especially not when I remember how I told you to kill me. One of us was going to die that day, and I wanted you to live." There was a pause. "I had a choice, Shinji. Either allow myself to be killed, or kill you." The eerie red eyes turned to his with a sad smile. "If I had caused Third Impact, I would have still lived on. Being immortal and knowing exactly what I had done. I didn't want that. So I chose to die."   
"You didn't have to." Shinji whispered.   
"No, I didn't." Kaworu looked out over the peaceful lake, who was ignoring the breeze that came to stir them. His mouth set in a grim line, as if remembering something bad.   
"I didn't want you to die, Shinji."   
Shinji didn't know how to react to this. For one thing, he had never been told something like that. But then, many things that Kaworu had said- Shinji had never heard before. No one had really cared enough about him to say anything of the like.   
Kaworu continued, "You showed me that humans deserved a chance. That not everyone was as devious and cruel as we thought them to be. You call us Angel cruel?" Kaworu shook his head. "We do only what we had to. We had seen all that we needed to see of Earth- rasicm, poverty, greed, and evil. But to know that there are still people like you," Kaworu gave Shinji another smile, and Shinji couldn't help but do the same. "That makes this planet worth living. I mean what I said, Shinji, I do love you."   
Shinji turned red. It was as if Kaworu hadn't made that clear before, in fact, he had many times, but it still something to hear it. "I, I love you too, Kawoua. But it still doesn't chance the past, does it?"   
Kawoua smiled gently. "Maybe not, Shinji, but it might change the future. You'll live, Shinji, I made sure of that. You'll live, you'll find love, and you'll be happy. After a long and prosperous life, you'll die peacefully knowing that you have friends who will help you in the afterlife."   
Shinji glanced at his friend curiously. "You're not mad at all about the outcomes?"   
Kaworu's arm dropped. "I can't be mad at you, Shinji. It was my own choice. As you know, Angels become smarter each time you deal with them. I was the last one. I could have easily defeated all the Evas and reach Adam, yet I did not." He gave a frustrated sigh. "Human emotions are a tricky thing."   
"Yes, they are," Shinji agreed quietly.   
"You have a strong destiny, Shinji," Kaworu said. "The defeat of the Angels were only part of it. There's still more to come, still more for you to face. But you don't have to worry," He smiled. "I'll help you through it. Even though I won't be able to be here in physical form, I'll be the one watching over you. I believe you would call me your guardian angel from now."   
Shinji smiled. That sounded good. That way, they would both know that the other was there. or not. "But how would I know that you're there?"   
"You'll know." The taller boy frowned at something. "But just in case, I'll remind you from time to time. Everytime you hear music, you'll know that I'm there."   
"Music...." Shinji remembered how he had first heard Kaworu instead of seeing him when they had met and Kaworu had been humming "Ode to Joy". "That means I won't ever see you again?"   
"Don't take the expression so literally," Kaworu chidded. "I'll always be there, but yes, you won't be able to see me in phyiscal form anymore. You of all people should know that this is nothing but my human form."   
Shinji nodded, quite embaressed.   
Kaworu's eyes softened. "Don't be so down, Shinji. Life is a beautiful thing. Enjoy living it."   
"What's that supposed to be?"   
"My last wish for you."   
Shinji jerked up quickly, remembering how Kaworu had said something like that just before he died. Did that mean that Kaworu was going-? He scrambled up quickly, just to see if his friend was still there. The sight that greeted his eyes were an unexpected one.   
Misato's paniced eyes relaxed. "You scared me to death, Shinji! What are you doing here this late, anyway? You should be back home, it's been a rough day for everyone."   
No! Where was Kaworu? He was just there, talking to him! It couldn't have been all a dream! Shinji looked all over, but saw nothing but a worried Misato looking at him intently.   
"Shinji?" Misato's brow creased. "Are you okay?"   
There was no one. It had been a dream.   
"Yeah," Shinji said quietly. "I'm fine."   
Her posture lost its stiffness. "Alright then. Let's just get you home."   
In the distant moonlight, two figures could be seen walking away from the lake. If you listened very carefully, you might be able to hear someone humming very, very quietly. If you're able to listen even closer, or more intently than you have all your life, then you might be able to make out the song "Ode to Joy" being blown in the wind.   
  
  
The end.   
  
  
Author's Notes:  
WAAAAHH!!! Kaworu died!!! I can't believe it! He couldn't have died!!! WAAAAHH!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!   
*sniffle* I guess he had to die for humanity to live on.... not like they're going to do so for long, anyway. *frown* Okay, this is my first Neon Genesis Evangelion fic... although I am working on others. I am! Kaworu's my favorite character, and then comes Shinji. I donno why, since Kaworu was only in one episode before he died, even though he had guest appearances in later eps and the movies. I love Kaworu! He shouldn't have died!!! WAAAH!!!!   
Oh yeah, I think that had been what was said in the flashbacks. *shrug* I only saw episode 24 once. But I remember a lot, though it's not everything. I only saw the dubbed version- *winces when everyone starts 'booing'* Yeah, I know dubbs are EVIL, but I'm not rich! I don't have enough to buy Subtitles... though I recomend subtitles 'cause THEY TOTALLY SCREWED UP MY KAWORU'S VOICE!!! *sniffle* I can't believe he sounds like a dweeb with an English voice....   
That's all I have to say...   
I think.   



End file.
